Love or something like it

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Love or something like it.

Those are the words that have been running through my mind the past few months or so. What exactly is love and why do I care? As I was sitting, minding my own business at Starbucks, some cute couple had to walk through the glass doors, smiling and looking all happy like they had no care in the world and they just loved each other. And it’s hit me, lately, I’m really lonely.

And that’s the worst time to wish for someone.

On a daily basis, I talk to two people and both of them live far away. I’m lonely for companionship, for friends, for love. But honestly, I’ve done this to myself, right?

I’m really good at being lonely. Being by myself is my favorite time. I’m also really good at pushing people away. Making sure that as soon as I might feel something, I run in the opposite direction. Because being lonely is easy. There are no emotions that could cause disasters and headaches and ‘e’motion sickness and all the other bullshit that comes with liking someone.

However, I’m also really good at liking people that don’t like me. I think we’re all really good at that. Good at liking someone who may contact me today. Maybe. Good at talking down my feelings so it doesn’t seem like I care at all. At that, I’m a master.

Love or something like it.

I’ve decided I need to stop. It’s time. I feel as if I have turned into someone, that if I was looking from the outside, I’d roll my eyes at and think pathetic. I have loved no one in my life, except family members, cats, and the occasional girlfriend who has held my hand while I cried. Those are the good ones, the ones who have seen snot form a bubble out of your nose and handed you more chocolate.

Or didn’t make fun of you until after you were done sobbing and told you how disgusting you are.

I could have loved someone. It would have been very easy to if I hadn’t played chicken and just admitted how I was feeling. But feelings are gross and boring and too private.

Way too private. Even for someone who you could have possibly, maybe, kinda, probably, could be in love with. But maybe, not likely, no.

Love or something like it.

I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it, but I didn’t, not really. Only the smudgeness of it, the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn’t realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it’s the halves that halve you in half. I didn’t know, don’t know, about the in-between bits: the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me.

Like, Crazy.

I’m still not over that quote. I don’t think I’ll ever be.

Love or something like it.

A lot of people wonder why I just don’t try.

“What’s stopping you? Why are you so scared?”

Because of everything listed above. Because being vulnerable sucks. Because nothing ever lasts and why should you share so much about yourself with a person when it will eventually end.

Humans aren’t made to be monogamous. It’s not natural.

We all grow up. We change. We learn new things. We’re not the same person we were five years ago, and thank goodness for that. So, why do we expect that the person we’re with won’t change as well? Why do we think that the person will always be exactly as we want them to be?

That’s why I’m scared.

Because I could have loved someone. I probably still can, but what’s the point?

Love or something like it.

And also, have you seen Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

No, thanks.

Love or something like it.

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January Favorites // 2015

It’s been a minute since I’ve done a favorites post, now hasn’t it?! I’ve liked a lot of things in January and most of them aren’t beauty related, so below are my favorites in two parts. Let me know in the comments some things you were raving about in the month of January. Welcome to a new year!

Beauty Favorites:

Burberry Brit Sheer: I have rediscovered my obsession with all things perfume with this little baby. For the past two years I have been going between only two perfumes: Burberry Brit and Ralph Lauren Romance. Mom calls them spicy. I call them sexy. I feel refreshed and sassy when I wear them, however, sometimes they seem a bit heavy for every day wear. My beautiful friend Paige bought me a new perfume for Christmas that has now moved to my every day “fresh” scent. What is this wonder, you’re asking. Burberry Brit Sheer. It’s like fresh laundry. It’s clean and crisp and makes me feel sexy. In the daytime.

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MAC Twig Lipstick: this is the only lipstick I have been wearing (practically) the whole month of January. It’s a dark nude and makes me feel like I could be a Kardashian… if only I had an ass.

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Bioderma: Bioderma is just the best. I think any girl who loves make up knows this by now. I have gone through countless bottles of this gem. It’s one of the only products that helps my skin and gets my make up off in seconds, even my MAC “Haute and Naughty” mascara which is a bitch to take off.

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Korres Grapefruit Mask: I don’t know why I have never used a face mask by Korres, I love everything else by them. I tried the Grapefruit mask on a whim as I liked the smell of it and it had the word “brightening” in the description and that has been something my skin seriously lacks in the winter months. I have been using the mask once a week for the month of January and I can see some major improvements. My skin feels reaaaaally nice after. My pores look clean and minimal. And my skin does develop a glow after usage. If your skin is starting to look dull or flaky, like mine does, use this mask. It’s good for all skin types (especially us sensitive skinned girls!)

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Non-beauty Related Favorites:

Black Mirror: It’s been awhile since a show has drawn me in and made me watch every episode I could get my hands on in one sitting, but thanks to Netflix I have watched Black Mirror with as much enthusiasm as I watched season one of Broadchurch two years ago. Black Mirror has sucked me in and I don’t ever want to go back. I feel as if for the past week I have been screaming it from the rooftops, “WATCH THIS SHOW PLEASE FOR ME WATCH IT!”

Charlie Brooker, the creator, has made something spectacular and as beautiful as the original series of The Twilight Zone, where he has been quoted to saying he was inspired by. It’s a gorgeously done black comedy/satire based on the idea of technology in our everyday lives.

When I started the first episode, I was confused and slightly disturbed by the events of the show. (Don’t worry, I won’t give out any spoilers!) At the start, I was disgusted like most people in the episode, but by the end (just like the people) my mind switched and I wanted the thing to happen. That’s how many of the episodes were for me. I was rooting for one person at the start and then my perspective changed by the end of the episode.

And that’s another wonderful thing, like The Twilight Zone, each episode brings new characters and new storylines. You don’t need 10 episodes to help you get wrapped up in characters, you only need five minutes. And doesn’t that signify how talented the writing is?

My favorite episode is season two, episode one: Be Right Back. It made me cry (sob, more like) and laugh and cringe and mad all in one. It was creepy and horrible and lovely.

So, I’m going to tell you right now to watch it. WATCH IT WATCH IT WATCH IT!

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Anthony Bourdain – The Layover: if I was a man and great at cooking and said half the things that run through my mind, I would be Anthony Bourdain. The Layover is his new show on the Travel Channel and like all his shows, it’s brilliant. He only has so long in each city that he travels to and he shows viewers the “real” areas of the each touristy city that one must see. And as someone who loves to travel, it makes me add more places to my bucket list and makes my wanderlust stronger. Bah.

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ASOS Truffle shoes: my old “school girl” style shoes had to be thrown away because of the giant hole formed at the toe of the shoe (RIP), but I have now replaced them with a much more modern style of my much loved former shoes. ASOS is the only place I buy my shoes now. They have an incredible range of shoes, free shipping, and free returns which is everything that I can ask from online shopping.

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Me, Myself, and I: Okay, start cringing now. Yes, this past month I have been working on loving myself. Gasp. This is something that I have been trying and failing at for months/years, but I have been doing a much better job at it this past month. A couple weeks ago, I had a major nervous breakdown. I was questioning and hating everything I was doing in life. School, work, friends. Hating my skin, my face, my arms, everything. Questioning what I was spending my money on. Questioning if I even like writing, if I’m even good at it, if I should just quit it all now since I’ll never get anywhere with it. Blah blah. I realized a lot of it had to do with confidence in myself. I’m not a hugely confident person and that mixed with anxiety, odd social norms, and a tendency to lock myself indoors all the time can cause major self esteem issues and a quarter life crisis.

However, after my small meltdown, and taking a short time away from the internet and Instagram (with all those gorgeous girls making me hate myself more), I realized what I needed was confidence and finding something I liked about myself. Slowly, very slowly, this has been helping. Each day I focus on something to like: how my hair looks that day, the shoes I’m wearing, how awesome of a job I did on my homework, whatever it is, I focus on it throughout the day.

If you suffer from anxiety or low self-esteem, try to focus on something that you like or brings you happiness. It’s a good way to redirect your thoughts from negativity. I know I sound like a self help book, get over it.

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