Dear July // A Time Capsule

TUMVLR

Dear July,

I have a video for you somewhere in my computer, but I’m much too lazy and frankly too nervous to put the footage together. It’s 11:59 on your last day and I feel as if you didn’t really happen. Were you really even here? You must have been, but it seems as if every time you are here, you go by much too quickly. You were…really great, July. I’m talking to you as if you are a person because all the memories that happened inside these 31 days are enough to make a person. I left my job of four years, my comfort job for something that makes me so excited while at the same time so nervous. It was a leap for me and one that I’m anxious about, but I know it was the correct, best and most thrilling move I could make. I have loved the people I met this month and knowing that these people believe and see something in me that I can’t quite see yet makes me want to work so much harder. I’m really happy, July. I inspired people this month and let my voice finally be heard that I kept quiet and hidden for a very long time. Because I was afraid of what would happen if I did let my opinions be known. Because I was much too young or too naive to have an opinion, or so they say, yet after a week, they are still talking and my desire to spark a conversation has turned into a full fledged forest fire. So, thank you, July. You were here much too quickly, the year is half over, but you made me realize I have a voice. That my opinions can matter. That, although the world can be a scary and daunting place, sometimes you just need to jump. I can’t wait to see what happens in August.

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Youth

Youth

I was introduced to this video a few years ago and every time I watch it I’m transported back to my teenage years. I know it hasn’t been that long since I was sixteen, but I can’t help but think about growing up and youth and being sixteen and hanging out with girls I hated and boys I liked and giving into peer pressure and staying up too late laughing at stupid things with friends and trying to impress people with my very unimpressive skateboard skills and quoting Romeo and Juliet because I was lame and stuffing my bra with water balloons and opening the door to the pizza guy right when the balloons decided to burst and Nicole laughing so loudly through her house. It makes me recall the nights I cried hard into my pillow because that boy didn’t like me and told me he wouldn’t ever and writing fan letters to some singer that hasn’t been heard about in years. I remember many days jumping on the trampoline and knocking my jaw out of place because my backflip was wrong and pool hopping through neighborhoods in the summer and having the owners run outside after us and meeting Beau on his scooter and thinking he was the hottest thing ever and finding out he slept with my friend the next summer.

Hearing all my friends’ stories about losing their virginity and wondering why I wasn’t losing mine and the summer before high school when I was scared to go to a new school and leaving all my friends behind and trying to be older than I was at Skate Galaxy while holding hands with a guy in 10th grade and going to friends’ shows at shitty bars and going to Lollapalooza and being introduced to my favorite band Arctic Monkeys and it was countless nights of watching boys play Halo in Adam’s basement while the ping pong championship was in the next room.

It was those days thinking I knew much more than I actually did and thinking my mom had no clue what I was going through and getting threatened to get my ass kicked by a girl four years older than me who thought I was talking about her and Etnies shoes in a size 11 and liking Sam when he clearly still liked Julie and being sad when I never got to kiss him and Pringles in my UGG boots and jumping on the trampoline in the snow and losing friends in stupid fights and having my phone thrown and broken against a wall.

I remember the trial and error of sneaking into movies and my first time I got drunk and crying in Caitlin’s basement at four in the morning and peeing my pants in a million dollar home while trying to hide the fact from everyone as I ran out of the house and road trips with Roxann to Columbia for Scott’s culinary final and hanging out with Zac and Scott and laughing at everyone that we thought we were cooler than and skipping out on Art History to go home early. The memories of going to homecoming and wearing the same dress as the homecoming queen and hating her for it and ditching my date because I was uncomfortable and eating at IHOP at midnight and wondering who my friends were and getting my first tattoo with Brittany after my mom signed the consent form and re-piercing my belly button after homecoming Freshman year and my first job at Hobby Lobby where I hated everyone and told them all I was moving to a new country because I didn’t want to tell them the real reason I was quitting and kissing those stupid boys and having a panic attack one night and ending up in a suburb outside of Chicago with Taylor and no plans.

I remember meeting Paige for the first time and our instant connection and that friendship never ending and Brittany and I fighting over text and not completely healing and those days on the roof with Nicole playing horse while her dad threw the ball back to us. I remember showing up at Joe’s house and hanging out with Matt and Sam and shooting hoops and playing hide and seek in the dark. I recall the nights where we would go to Ashley’s and tell scary stories and think that Bloody Mary was going to come out of the mirror and going to the other Ashley’s house and hanging out in the basement and cutting Ashley’s costume too short for her in the kitchen after work one day and going to France for the first time and turning 18 on the top of the Eiffel Tower and meeting that guy at the airport and seeing him again later on the streets outside of the Louvre and everyone in my group yelling at me for running away and flying in a private plane from Minnesota and winning awards and giving up on all the sports teams that I loved to just hang out with friends and I just remember the nights I felt like I would never grow up. I would never age.

Those nights when you don’t think how this will be the youngest you’ll ever be. How you believe that you’re never going to grow up but then people die or move away or you lose touch with them and you wonder what happened and how did all these years pass us by? When did we become this age? How did we drift? And sometimes it’s just nice to remember all those memories and laugh at the person you were and the person you’ve become and try to reconnect through Facebook to all those people that you may have lost touch with.

Maybe.