For the Non Lovers


Is there a word for our non lovers? The almost? The could be, the should have been, the would have been if they were different? If we were different, if we had let ourselves give in to it? I was in his bed, clutching around for my clothes, my underwear, trying to figure out what I was doing. Why I kept going back to this same old routine. He was in the other room, getting a drink of water, while I put back on my jeans, and my bra, and my sweater, and slipped on my shoes deciding my words with each zip and button. It was at the door, while leaving, that I looked back at him. Half naked, half smirking, and me, half in love with him. And, I told him that. Told him and walked out the door while the look of surprise flashed on his face, and he was putting down his glass to walk towards me. Wait. Stop. Look back, but I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I walked away because I was scared, nervous, vulnerable, because I wasn’t ready for the next step, because I didn’t want to know his answer, because it wouldn’t work even if I wanted it to. Between us, the relationship wasn’t real, but the feelings were. At least on my part, but I didn’t have the words for them. I don’t think I ever will.