1. Fall in love with someone completely out of your league.
2. Tell yourself you’re not in love with them.
3. Everyday fight the urge to text them, call them, email them, Skype them, Facebook poke them, tweet at them, skywrite at them, stalk them.
4. Calmly throw your phone after you do one of the above. Namely text them.
5. Act indifferent and cold when they’re around you. Push them away with all the force you can muster.
6. Be mad that you pushed them away.
7. Tell them all of your secrets late at night. Cry into their arms. Let them hold you and kiss the top of your head as you weep.
8. Hold their hand when they tell you more.
9. Revert back to number 2 whole heartedly, with a frenzy that shakes your whole body.
10. Kiss them passionately when you’re both out grabbing drinks after work. Blame it on the alcohol. Say you were very drunk and didn’t mean it.
11. Cry when you realize later on in your bed that he didn’t kiss you back.
12. Ignore his texts. His phone calls. Cut him out of your life.
13. Act like none of it mattered. That you really didn’t care about him much anyway.
14. Remind yourself that you’re not in love with him. To the point where you actually believe it. Kind of.
You’re too soft. You’re too hard. You’re too shy. You’re too loud. You’re too quiet. I tell myself that everything that I need to be is in all the words that everyone around me has ever said. Don’t do this, but be this. Be that. Don’t be too much of this, but be a lot of that. Those lies are deceiving and so are your eyes. Your breath on my neck and your hands on my hips as I think about all those little things that I’m not, but I am and your lips fall heavily on my mouth and those thoughts melt away. But then again, I think too much. I speak too much. I can’t wait to get out of your presence. I hate you as much as I’ve hated anyone, yet I can’t wait to be with you. Push me away like you do with everyone. Tell me all of your secrets late at night, naked with your chest heaving up and down. Then push me out the door, tell me to leave, ask me quickly to go, as you pull on your pants, and turn on the sink to brush your teeth. Don’t look at me. Don’t even talk to me. Let me fall in love. Let me in, but only for a second. Kiss me hard. Slowly. Long and with fervor. Push me out the door. Don’t forget to throw me away. I’m too quiet. I’m too loud. I’m too shy. I’m too hard. I’m too soft.
How I want you to remember me:
In the crook of your arm when you’re wrapping your arms around your pillow because you can’t fall asleep at night. The blankets are too hot and you kick them off your body as everything sticks to your skin. Remember me resting a hand on your back so I know you didn’t stray too far.
In your morning coffee while you try to wipe away the sleep from your eyes and wonder what time you finally fell asleep. You’ll put in too much milk because that’s how I made mine and you’ll wonder why I drank coffee when I poured so much milk in. Remember me smiling over my mug and blushing as you look at me.
In the early light of day, right after your alarm goes off. When you roll over to turn off the beeping and see the light creeping through the blinds. Remember me hiding beneath the duvet to try to grasp the last bit of sleep.
On the couch in your parents’ house where you accidentally told me you loved me and I whispered back that I loved you too. Remember me standing up too fast, giggling down the hallway and stubbing my toe against the door frame. Remember me cursing. Remember me limping for the rest of the night.
Remember my laughter as you would say something to make me feel better. Remember all of our jokes. Remember my hand somehow always finding yours. Remember. Remember. Remember.
When they forget your birthday, smile graciously and let them know you don’t care. It’s just another day. You’re only another year older. It doesn’t matter too much. Yet. They will say all the right things to you. Things that will make you forget that you were kinda sad about the fact that they forgot you were born on this day. They will say how nice you look before placing their hand on the small of your back and bringing you closer. You will smile because you feel special and not used. Okay, maybe slightly used. But, who cares about birthdays. You’re not 21 anymore.
When they forget to text you back, reply with an emoji. The one with a straight line for a mouth. Make it seem like you’re only slightly annoyed. Hurt. Unfeeling. Whatever. You will be forever understanding that they were busy and had to play video games or watch some new movie that came out. Their phone wasn’t anywhere near them. Sorry. Sorry.
When they forget to meet you for drinks, don’t answer their calls. Hit “ignore” and drink another whiskey and coke, extra lime on the side. Smile with muster at the bartender, call him a “bar keep” because that feels funny to you. When they call your phone again, turn it off and push it to the bottom of your purse. When they show up at your house, wear the skirt that shows too much thigh. Bite your lips too much and only give them ten minutes of your time. Look at your nails too much. Point your toes inward and bounce on your heels. Walk back into the house and wipe at your eyes. Go back to bed. Turn off your phone. Envelope yourself into darkness.
When they forget to tell you that they love you too, realize it isn’t because they forgot, it’s because they don’t feel the same way. They’ll look at you and say “thanks” and that will be the end of it. Just nod and take a sip of your drink and walk upstairs without saying another word. Don’t tell them good-bye because who cares. They obviously don’t. They keep forgetting about you.