26 Things I Haven’t Done or Can’t Do By 26

I am 26 today (woooooooo) and I thought I would write a list of things I have yet to do or accomplish or can’t actually do as a 26 year old adult woman. AKA: the list no one asked for because, really, no one gives a shit.

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  1. I haven’t written a bestselling book.
  2. I haven’t been an award-winning anything.
  3. I haven’t been a dedication in someone’s book. Rude.
  4. I can’t do a handstand, cartwheel, or anything relating to putting my hands on the ground and kicking my feet in the air.
  5. I have never learned to be graceful. I am not well coordinated in any way, shape or form. I broke my toe tripping over air. AIR.
  6. I forgot (hated) to wear my retainer and now have crooked teeth … again.
  7. I don’t own a LBD.
  8. I don’t know how to eat slowly. I always eat food like I have been starved my whole life.
  9. I don’t know how to make really good coffee.
  10. I haven’t gotten the Harry Potter tattoo I keep talking to everyone about.
  11. I can’t whistle.
  12. I’m not married or have kids. To be honest, I haven’t ever had a serious, proper boyfriend.
  13. I haven’t won the lottery.
  14. I haven’t gone a day in the past year without doing cheesy finger guns after a bad pun.
  15. I haven’t ever run a mile. I walked it in high school (in under 10 minutes—that’s good, right? Right?).
  16. I can’t talk to a room full of people without turning bright, tomato red.
  17. I can’t and won’t ever stop thinking about the time in middle school when I forgot the dance routine to “Hot, Hot, Hot” and stood in the back of everyone during the half-time performance, flapping my arms about pretending I was doing what everyone else was doing.
  18. I can’t play any instrument nor carry a tune and that’s probably the saddest thing about me.
  19. I haven’t grown out of loving romantic historical fiction (yes, the books with the two half-naked lovers embracing on the cover is my kryptonite).
  20. I don’t have the perfect Instagram bod where I am all nice and toned and tanned. I’m more Pillsbury Doughboy than anything (pale and fluffy).
  21. I’ve never not finished a gallon bag of peanut M&Ms by myself. Probably why I don’t have the above.
  22. I’ve never had perfect skin. Is that a thing some people have? Are they just genetically blessed? How do I get perfect skin?!
  23. I haven’t ever been to a party where my very cool party trick of reciting either the opening chapter of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Store or the Prologue to Romeo and Juliet went over well.
  24. I’ve never shotgunned a beer that hasn’t immediately gone up my nose. I think I’m doing something very wrong.
  25. I’ve never been able to see the numbers 69 and not smirk.
  26. I don’t know a lot of things but speak like I have an authority on everything so never believe me. Or just pacify me and nod your head even though I’m probably wrong.
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