I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of life being stagnant and how I want more originality, personality and beauty. Yet, does the fact that I believe life is not moving forward mean that I am the one who is standing still waiting for life to happen to me? I know I keep moving back to this topic every few months, but I can’t help feeling this way. I know most people in their early twenties feel this way, but I wish that wasn’t the case.
By the time I am 27, I want to be living abroad. With a little bit of savings. Perhaps writing and vacationing in the south of France. Perhaps I’ll have a boyfriend but get bored of him because I seem to get bored of anyone who shows me interest. Perhaps I’ll finally be at the weight I’ve wanted to be for the past three years. Back at that weight when people were “worried” and I finally felt good.
I overheard a conversation the other day where the girl was saying that she feels she could do something amazing with her life or she could mess it all up. How she doesn’t want to be the person that people comment and say she was destined for greatness if only she had set her mind towards it, but fears that might end up being the case. I couldn’t help but reacting to her words and nodding in agreement. I can’t help but think that’s exactly how I feel and what I am afraid of more than anything.
What do I want out of life?
1. Friends I don’t regret.
2. Adventures that I can write about.
3. Showing my mom different parts of the world outside of her bubble.
4. Staying connected to the world.
5. Try not to go insane.
I guess love should be on the list and it is in a way – love I feel towards my friends, my mom and the travels that I want to experience. The love that I want to give to the world with the adventures I want to go on.
Adventures I want to have:
1. Skydiving in Fiji (Thanks for that idea, Susie.)
2. Road trip to California
3. Zip line in Costa Rica
4. Arthur’s Seat
5. Wineries in France (not Bordeaux, maybe…)
6. Clocktower in Bruges
7. Not be terrified to scuba dive
Maybe I make too many lists. Maybe I think too much about the future. More than I should. I just can’t help but compare things to other people’s lives. Others who are the same age as me and seem to be more adjusted more rounded more alive than I am. People who are more interested in drinking and hanging out with people out in the world, where I would much rather just stay inside on the weekends and watch Netflix. Is that bad? Should I move on? Should I stop thinking so much and join people in society and follow their lead?
Am I okay?
I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay.
I’ll get it figured out one day. I hope. I’ll be living in France soon and then off to London, where I hope to never leave.
Just needed to get it out in the universe. Maybe it’ll make something happen.